“..you not tired with sitting in the passenger seat with holding the bar handle?..”
“..it is ok I think, I hardly sit in the passenger seat when riding a motorbike..” he explain. I was questioning a rather odd of him sitting behind me on the motorbike, it must be not pleasant to have to grip on the bar, because the traffic in here is a rather messy, and I kind of have to break often. It must have had been tiring. “..why? is that wrong?..” now he question in return of my question.
“..no, I just thought it must be tiring, especially I have to break often. You know, you can out your arms around me, that would be pleasant, don’t you think so?..” I continue eating the fried banana, while he ate his Es Campur. We sat at the Warung for about an hour, both of us busy looking at others enjoying their time.
“..ok, I am done with mine. Are you?..” he said to me signaling that he is ready to go. I nod. We both got up to the cashier. And handed a bill of 50 thousand each. Funny, because what we ate is less than the bill we both handed the cashier.
“..i got this..” I put his hand away from the cashier.
“..we split even? I don’t like others paying for my bill..” he offer, and I nod. Very unusual behavior I found on a guy. We walk to the parking lots and get the motorbike. I start the engine, he hop on the back.
“..ok now, put your arm around, it should be easier for you and less tiring..”
“..like this?..” he did what I asked him to. His hand could not reach each other all the way. Apparently my round belly is too large for him to be able to hold it all around.
Treated me kind, sweet destiny
Carried me through desperation
To the one that was waiting for me
It took so long, still I believed
Somehow the one that I needed
Would find me eventually
I play Vision of Love from Mariah Carey on the player when we arrived at my place. He sat on the couch across me, a table is between us. On our way home, he put his arm around me, and rest his body against me. It was a pleasant ride. We took a longer route to get to my place.
“..this song is played so much in the club..”
“..true, this would be a song that most of club where the dragqueen perform and played. This a famous song, Mariah Carey is the one who sang, she can go very high with her voice. One of a kind..” I explain to him since he seems unsure about who’s song it was.
“..Mariah Carey? Isn’t she’s the one who sang My all and Butterfly? I think know that one better than the two version of song I just mentioned..”
“..that is correct, she sang those two songs as well. She and Whitney Houston are most of peoples favorites. I love both of them songs..”
“..Gerhard, your family is living in the Netherland?..” he try to change the conversations.
“..yes, they both live there, in Hoofdorp, very near from the airport..”
“..do they know that you are.. you know.. gay?..” he soften his voice, unsure whether to ask or not. I smile at him. He look nervous just by the question. He might be nervous to what kind of answer will I gave him.
“..yes they do, I told them when they asked after my first ex-boyfriend left. It was only because mom caught me crying when my ex-boyfriend leave..” I try to give the answer as brief as it could. I’m not really in the mood to dig my own past. Whatever happened in the past, it already happened. Letting it go it was a hard time for me.
“..they have no problem with that?..” he saying it with another question mark in the end. And he look right through me.
“..they do at first, but after a while they tend to let go, I think..” to be honest, I have no idea how do my Mom and Brother take on this. They asked, so I answer. As simple as that. “..what about you? does your parents know that you’re gay?..”
“..no they did not, I didn’t tell them, I don’t think I can’t do it. It would hurt them..” he explain.
“..you know, either way it is, telling them or not, it will not be easy. It is not a must though. Only when you do tell them, you don’t have to lie about it anymore. On the other hand, your parents reaction is what you’re afraid of, isn’t it?..” I try to sound as easy as I could.
“..that is true, I love both of them, and would not want to hurt them in any way, and by doing what I thought is best for them. Maybe it sounds unfair by not telling them the truth, but by telling the truth I could easily hurt them..” he is having difficulties trying to make his point.
“..well, if you think that what best for them, then you should not tell them..” even though I have difficulties understanding his way of thinking, but to think at his age, there were so much he have to figure out.
“..would you like to have coffee? Or tea?..” I offer
“..i can make tea myself, would you want some as well?..” he stand from the couch where he is sitting. The walk to the kitchen.
“..tea is good, thank you though, you’re the guest, and you making your own drink, I must be not a very good host..”
“..you told me before when I come here, to take my own drink and don’t be a stranger in your house, so that is what I am doing..” he remind me that I have said that word before. And true, I did told him that.
“..back to the previous topic. About being gay, haven’t you felt guilty about it?..” he come out from the kitchen with two cups of tea.
“..i was, when I realize I am gay, it felt wrong on certain level, but that is just how I was being raise by my parents and society..” he put my tea cup near me, and sat on his couch again. “..but the more later on, you will start to accept the way you are, it is not happened in one night of course, but come to think of it, why would the creator create a person who attracted to the same gender as is, and then they will have to killed their own feelings? Now that doesn’t make sense to me. Instead of trying to deny of who I am, I embrace it. The good and the bad, it always there. No matter whether you’re gay or straight. And I think, the peoples who choose to marry a woman even though they knew they were attracted to men. They are the one who have difficulties. In accepting them self..” I explain to him, he is trying to digest what I just said.
“..hhmmm, I agreed with the embracing our self, but on the last two sentences, I am still unsure. Because maybe, on the other side, which mean on their view, we are the one who live foolish, and not trying to fit in to the society. Not that I am agreeing with them, or disagreeing, but I think, if they feel they are happy with their choices, they have all the right to be wherever they want to be. Don’t you think so?..” he try to encounter my words. Which is basically just not a faulty either.
“..Yes, that is also possible. I have several friends who is actually married and having kids, but they still play with guys, that’s what I don’t understand. I am more to once you know who you are, you should try your best at it..” I sip the tea which is still hot. I went to the kitchen to add more sugar to my tea. “..and not living two double live. That hurt the wife and kids, and the guy who is about to have relationship with him..”
“..that is also true, but if they can manage both live just fine. Would that still be wrong?..” his eyes were on me all the time, even when I went to the kitchen to add more sugar. “..is the tea ok? I thought I put one tea spoon of sugar before..”
“..the tea is ok, I always put two spoon on my tea. Hehe.. Wrong or right? We are not having this conversation to put those label right? We are just speaking our thinking about it?..” I try to make sure about where this conversation lead to.
“..Well, wrong or right, it is not our right to say what is, but the opinion we have usually we have those within our self. I would not want to live a double live..”
“..correct. Me too..”