..the crossing..

..
I woke up at 5:30AM, he is asleep next to me, half naked. Last night were turn out to be a rather great evening. I would not expect that he would kiss me while I was half asleep. Of course, I would not decline a kiss where it turn to be a love making from him. I did not expect that he would be smooth all over his body, he never wear a short pants or lifting his shirt off so I can take a good look, but last night, I feel his naked smooth body. It drive me crazy! He was one out of two guy who I have slept with who is smooth. Usually guys are smooth in the arm part but hairy in the legs. But he was not like that at all.
I look at him in his peaceful sleep, I want to wake him up and cuddle him, but that would not be nice of me disturbing his sleeping. ‘let him rest’ my mind speak out. I kiss him on his forehead, and wake up. I make a cup of coffee and turn on the TV, softer than I usually put the volume on. I sip my coffee. I can feel my own life and conscious starting to come to me, fully. Coffee is a good kick to start the day.
What is happening last night were unexpected to me. I always thought he would be a good friend to me. Thought of, that we would not attracted to each other sexually, that we would turn to be in a friendship way. You know how this feeling, someone who is kind and pleasant to you, and enjoy his companion, you haven’t thought about him in sexual way. I can’t ignore what happened last night, we both making love. And I really enjoying it so much.
I light my Red Marlboro cigarette and thinking what have I done last night, did I just cross our friendship? Somehow, deep inside, I feel guilty, to crossing that boundaries. What if it turn out to be ugly? I could have had ruin our connection because of what happened last night.
Finish with my cigarette and coffee, I decide to do my laundry.
..
..The face of an angel, pretty eyes that shine
I lie awake at night wishing you were mine
I’m standing here holding the biggest heartache in town
Whenever you come around..
..
Whenever you come around from Vince Gill played on the radio. I was singing along with him. I play the song softly, not wanting him be awaken by the sounds. I hear him open the bedroom door. I look where he is about while doing my laundry.
..good morning Gerhard..” he greet me, his face still look sleepy, but that is just even cuter to me to look at. Even when he just wake up he is cute.
..well hello, good morning, how’s your sleep last night?..” I put my sweetest smile and greet him.
..it was good thank you, you’re up early, have you had your coffee already? I want to make one, you want to?..
..i did have my coffee, but I don’t mind to have more, you know, if you look at the cabinet above the kitchen sink, there is a large cup, maybe you can make one large cup and we can share it?..
..ok, I will make one then..” he walk to the kitchen, and I continue finishing my laundry that is about to be finished. And then hang it in the backyard. After the weekend laundry is finished, I went to the living room, he was sitting there watching TV on mute and letting the music play.
..why you mute the tv, you don’t want to hear whats on the news?..” I question looking at this unusual habit.
..i can read the headline, that enough for me, I enjoy the music more..
..
..i get weak in the knees, and I lose my breath
Oh I try to speak, but the words won’t come
I’m so scared to death
And when you smile that smile, the world turns upside down
Whenever you come around..
..
I sit on the couch where I sat last night, the large cup of coffee is on the table. Drinking from a large cup of coffee for one person is just too much. But if you share it, it is just in the perfect dose of caffeine I need continuing from the small cup I have this morning.
..so, what is our plan for today? You want to hit the beach or just stay here?..” I ask him
..i don’t know yet, at the moment, I am in no mood in going anywhere though..” his short in answering, is he just realizing what happened last night was a mistake? Owh I hope he doesn’t change because of what happened last night. It was a great one. But from a good friends and we both cross that border. It is bad. “..maybe we can walk to the supermarket in front of the areas to get some snack, cigarette or just to walk around?..
..sure, we can do that too, I almost ran out my cigarette too..” did I just heard him saying ‘walk’? Back where I come from, I can walk far with no worry of sweating, but in here? Even just going outside to the gate you already sweat. And he want to walk for about 1km? Really?
..maybe there are some pisang goreng (fried banana) while we walk too..
..yes, before the minimarket in front we will pass a stall that sell pisang goreng..
And yes, he actually said ‘walk’, I was sweating when I got to the minimarket, he looks just fine though, I don’t see a drop of sweat at all. While my shirt is wet already from the sweat. On our way to my place, we stop at the stall to buy the pisang goreng he wanted. I want to walk faster, but with his short figure, he would be left behind. I have to slow down with my walk and shorten my range of step.
..are you ok?..
..yes, why you asking?..
..you rather quiet since this morning..
..i am ok, not to worry..
Arriving at home, I open the fridge looking if I have have some cold drink, the drink we bought at the supermarket were not cold enough. I come to the living room having two glass of Fanta. I gave one for him. I actually drink one glass already in the kitchen.
..thank you..” he drink it right away, and then took one pisang goreng and eat it.
..your very most welcome..
..Gerhard, I have to leave soon, I have this colleague barbeque event which I totally forgot..” it took me by surprise, that he said he have to leave.
..i thought you want to spend the weekend in here?..
..i know, I totally forgot about this. I just got the text to remind me from my friend..” he held his phone.
..Ahh ok, you want me to drive you back home?..
..Thank you for the offer, but no, I can take an ojek (motor taxi) in front, so you can rest well this weekend..” I want to talk to him about what happened last night, but I bit my tongue. No words comes out from my mouth. And he have to leave now. I don’t want to leave our situation unspoken, but the timing doesn’t allow me to speak it out. I really hope it will turn to be alright between us.
..
‘..i feel so helpless, I feel just like a kid
What is it about you that makes me keep my feeling hid?
I wish I could tell you, but the words can’t be found
Whenever you come around..’
..
the-crossing

7 Comments

  1. Asia tought me one thing: don’t plan anything, just relax and enjoy and don’t be disappointed. Then all things will be fine.
    (true or not true?)

    1. in here, you are relating with the bureaucracies and making plan with others right? we were used to live in the country near the equator, so a little rain could cancel a plan of one, unlike where you are now, if rain, cold or snow stop you, you will end with not getting anything done.
      while in here, we were just having rain and we cancel the appointment, of course that goes differently with other who uses cars. anyway, I think it is better to enjoy the moments itself. so I can relate in that way.
      then it is between true and not true it is, some others are just going through to what it sets in mind, while others are being distracted by occurrences.

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