..the changes..

..
I can read the disappointment on his face after I told him I have to leave that morning. I have to lie. I am having difficulty digesting on what is happened the night before. I know it is not a big deal for just two person who happened to be a close friend, and they ended up sleeping with each other. We both grown-up. So it is normal for two person who have need, and they release their need with each other. I have no problem with the sleeping together part, it was a very nice encounter. But what happened during the encounter that bothers me.
As far as I can recall, I never have any sexual fantasies about him, or do I recall that I have dream about him. Oddly, on our first sexual encounter, I have this odd feeling, that it is already happened in the past. I tried to re-run my memories, trying to find something that might be explain what is actually happening. I actually thought I am going to go mad. This is not right. There is no way that it is happened before, the two of us, making love to each other, No.
Arriving in my room, I shrug on the bed lazily. What is going on with me? I just have a good evening with a guy that I thought I would not be attracted to. And yet I left him? Because of a false recall in my brain? This is not right.
..Why do I have such dilemma with this? Remember your purpose why you leaving your origin island, to find work, to improve yourself..” I whisper to myself. Deciding to enjoy the encounter last night, and take it as it is, not to make it a problem for myself, hopefully he will be alright about me leaving early than expected. And we can still be having the same connection with each other. And I make up my mind, to take the offer at work as well.

..
Two year and two months ago..
After a long consideration, I decided to get out from my town, I worked in construction labor for almost 6 months, and manage to save some earning. I was living with my parents. Growing up alone since I was 9. Both my older sister left the house. Me and my parents always ended up arguing, they always splatter in my face this “..If you ended up working as construction laborers, you shouldn’t finished your high school..
And it always got me speechless how encounter that phrase. Don’t they know that it is not easy to find a job in the city? And I am just graduating from high school, there are plenty of peoples who graduate university and still did not find work yet. I had to work on my school free days to pay the clothes, books, and the tuition fee.
The working hours is from 8:00AM to 5:00PM with one hour break at 12. I gave some earning to my parents to help them cutting the cost of the bills and food. I couldn’t take it after 6 months of work. And I decide to leave the town.
24th May morning, I told my parents that I will leave town. My Mom’s quiet and not saying a word, she is not agreeing or disagreeing. My father doesn’t say a word either. Probably because he is still pissed because of the night before. He wanted me to pay a bill, not much, but I reason to him, I just gave him some of my earning to him and Mom. And I don’t have my salary yet. And he still insist. In the morning I went to the city to pay the bill. I have to ride my bicycle for more than one hour to get to the city. That’s when I decide I wanted to leave. For the better. Hopefully.
I packed my clothes in a backpack. I had to walk for about 45 minutes to get to the public transport points. At the Bus terminal, there is a bus that go to Denpasar that evening. Cost almost half of my saving.
..
..I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moment of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burden with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on..
..
The night bus took me further from my home, I already miss the green rice field in front of the house, miss my friends who doesn’t know I am leaving for not knowing for how long. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be. What father did is to push me to take a step and not stuck in my own town. He had to keep nagging I no longer remembered for how long now, about how my work that can be done easily by anyone. How my Mom always make her great cooking even it is such a simple dish. I am going to miss her a lot.
..
..I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on..
..
Memories of the good are running in my head. The bus drive very slow because of the traffic in the city in the east part of mine were quite crowded. They play this sad old Indonesian music. Creating such emotions to the passengers. I am quite sitting on my chair, holding my backpack on my lap. The driver assistant walking towards me and handing everyone a box contain one piece of bread with jam filling and a cup of water. I ate immediately. I was hungry. Everyone who sat in the bus were also rather quiet and not much talking I notice. Probably they also felt the sadness about leaving the city they love to.
..
..I’m movin’ on
At last I can see, life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone..
..
The bus stop at a restaurants, I wasn’t thinking wanting to eat anything, the bread and the water is enough for me. The lady who sat next to me also going. “..Mas, you didn’t go eat? It is ok, we can eat in here for free, it is included with the ticket price..” Probably she scent that I was traveling for the first time with the bus. We haven’t chat much on the bus. I was busy with my own thought. Lazily I go up and head to the restaurant, they served a buffet style, I don’t take much, it was 10:00PM and not many peoples wanting to eat at those hours. The fried chicken are rather chewy to eat. I miss my Mom fried chicken already.
The ride continue to the east part of the island, it hit the harbor to cross to Bali at 3:30AM. A very long drive. Most of passengers are getting out from the bus and enjoying the sea breeze. I come down the last one. I still hold my backpack with me. I went up to the deck.
“..Going to Bali too?..” A lady about my age asking me. I look around first, to see if she is actually talking to me. We sat on the cold steel chair that doesn’t really bother us much.
“..Ya, hopefully I can find work there..”
“..You know, in my office they are looking for a warehouse staff, if you want I can refer you?..” A very kind offer that I could not resist. And she just met me.
“..Sure, but I don’t know how to find you or your office, give me your office address? On Monday I can come for an interview if that is ok? Anyway you just me, and very kind of you to inform me about the job. Without me knowing your name, that sounds very rude. To me..”
“..I think we will arrive at about the same time, you taking a bus to Denpasar Bus station right? And me too. We might meet at the Bus station later..” She stand up walk to the iron bar, to the front edge of the ferry. “..Owh, and its Asti by the way, my name is..”
“..Ahh ok, see you later at the Bus Station then..” I answer, and I starting to have a doubt. If her bus arrive there earlier than mine, we won’t meet.
“..Where will you stay in Denpasar?..” She asked again.
“..Not sure yet, I have to find a place to stay..” I might end up sleeping for a night at the mosque. I am aware I have to go through this.
“..Well, I will look for you when we arrive in Ubung..” She left and head to her bus.
I can feel the breeze brushing my face, it was cool and a rather refreshing. I look above, the sky is very clear, I can see the stars decorating the sky beautifully.
..
..I sold what could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m movin’ on..

..

I’m determined to take the new position offered. It is for my own improvement that I always wanted to. Most of the chances, I will have to learn a lot with the new position. And aren’t we all like that? Learning new things each day?
And the false recall about Gerhard, I decide to let it go. Instead, I enjoy remembering yesterday evening, our conversation, and our intimate time together. Hopefully, he didn’t hold a grudge against me for leaving early.
..
–the song above is I’m Movin’ On sang by Rascal Flatts–
the-changes

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