..the hope..

I dislike moving places, to be honest, I rather stayed in the same place to live, instead of kept changing places to live in. It is too tiring with loading everything to a moving transport, most of the time, with the loads of my belonging, it will not be just onetime load. It will take at least two, or even possible it will be three time loads. As if I load it myself no, I pay peoples to load things of course. But the time, the effort, the packing, it drain my energy. Especially that after the moving part finished, the tiring part is just began, I will have to arrange the furniture in the new place, which will be needing more time than the moving itself. Just thinking about it got me tired already.
But the bitter part is, I have to move. The landlord decide to raise the price more than 50% from the current price I am paying. It doesn’t make any sense. How come the government allows these kind of people doing whatever they wished to? I’m still amaze.
..
Me, someone who is not originally raised and born in here, coming from other side of the world, 6/7 hours behind, 12 thousand km away, still wondering, ‘how come a total difference kind of regulations still exist?’. Call me whining if you wish, but this kind of culture shock I wasn’t expecting, at all.
Last year when I decided to move here, I am aware of the differences, I always been told by friends and families that ‘it will not be easy to face the way how peoples do their things’, especially if you come from country where everything is being control and manage by the government’. But what I am facing, is far-far away beyond my wildest image of this country.
The decision of moving were harder than I thought, since I was little I always love this country, for some reason I don’t understand why. It is just feels right. After a long conversation with my Ex-partner, about me, moving to the country where he is born and raised, he explain, ‘that once we both in Indonesia, we can no longer be partner’. That shook me to the core. How someone who I have love, and live together for the past two years, can drop me dead, just like that. His reasoning was, he don’t want to take the risk of being caught by his large families, that he is in relationship with a man. So he leave me no choice, whether I stay Amsterdam and be with him, or I relocate to the country where I always dream of to grow old to. It is no easy decision, but with a heartbroken, I choose to move.
It is not even a year, I am living in this lovely country, yet I have proven wrong. I have been lied to by a guy who I actually thought a good person, we both decided, to open a new restaurant business, a unique Latino restaurant which I did find none in here. It felt good, I just got here not long, and yet I have found one trustworthy person who have a very broad minded and future thinking to build a business together. I have thrown all I’ve learnt back in business colleague. I trust him more than half of my saving. A few weeks later, he is gone. It shocked me. It depress me. It hurt me. ‘How can I be so stupidly trusting someone who I just barely knew?’ I cursed me.
Not long after, the person who I just started relation with, left. It was a stupid regular arguments we have, which I no longer remember. He left me with the little things I’ve have left. It wasn’t easy to move past that. Excuse my thinking, ‘that I actually thought that they are near and wanted to be in contact with me is for my money’. Life seems to be throwing me this kind of lesson that I have to learn the hard way. Of me being so stupidly stubborn and having a dream that I stick to.
Not long, I found this very cute small guy, that I actually fell to, that I actually start to have a hope again, to build a future together with him. He even took me to his hometown to visit his parent. I feel accepted even without them, the parent, knowing that I am their son lover. And I am ok with that.
..
He help with the search of the house, and also the moving, which I hate. I moved from a big house in the center of the capital to a small, much smaller greenhouse outside of the city. So you, can see the step back of my finance. I am still having a saving, but I have to be wiser in the spending, so I can actually start a small business. And build.
Several month after the moving, we always end-up arguing, from the little things. I someone who never say ‘I want a break-up’ from each argue, but apparently guys from this country are easily saying that ‘magic’ words, like it was nothing, like water, tasteless. But without knowing the impact it created to the person they said it to.
And of course he left. I mean, who would wanted to be with someone who is broke and penniless, and still trying to start a business on his own, against all the odds? I think I wouldn’t want to be with me either in relationship.
That’s it, I decided not to try another relationship, until I made it in my finance life. I have to start over from scratch, like it was 20 years ago, when I decided, from my hometown to move to a better system country, and I actually made it, and this time, I’m sure I can. I have nothing before, and now too, I can survive this. I am certain.
..
It was a boring night, the local television shows none that caught my attention, I decide to go to Internet café. Maybe I get to know more guys to just have a conversation with.
When the chatroom pop-up on my screen, several guys say hi to me in the mainroom. Do they know my current situation? Most of the chances aren’t. That’s why they being so friendly to me. If they do, I don’t think my name will be mentioned ever.
“..hi..” it pop-up, a new chat windows. I look at the profile. He has this odd picture, why he doesn’t smile on the picture? And he look at the distant elsewhere.
“..hi dreamy guy, what are you dreaming about?..” I reply, it was just a joke, according to the pictures of him I saw on his profile. Wearing a blue t-shirt and blue jeans.
“..how are you?..” he didn’t even bother to reply on my joke.
“..I’m good thank you, and how are you?..”
“..I’m good too, thank you..”
We chatted for an hour or so, I told him I live outside of the city, while he live in the center, not so far from where I live previously. We exchange number.
The next morning he sent a text to greet me.
“..Good Morning, wish you to have a good day..” I don’t really know how to reply to this kind of messages, wishing me to have a good day. In fact that it will be very difficult to have a good day, it will takes miracle for me to have a good day, with all the past I have, with all the burden in my shoulder that I have to carry, the stupidity I’ve made. But his message make me smile at least, and I reply “.. Good Morning to you too, and you too have a good day..”. Message Sent.
..
I sleep early tonight, I don’t feel good, I think I caught fever and flu, it must have been from the rain yesterday, I got caught up in the rain and force through the rain to go home. Usually it is ok for me to drive through, and don’t get sick of it. But when you don’t eat good, and your body works is messed-up, apparently your immune system went down too. And then the next thing is, caught a fever and flu, just because of the rain. Why can’t a body stays healthy and work as how it supposed to be.
It felt awful, and I lay in bed on my own, still broken hearted from the guy who left me. And the fever doesn’t make it any better, it even worse. Does this what it called as Karma? I left a guy whom I already have two years of relationship with for a dream? So now someone is leaving me because I am not theirs? The fever and flu got me start to question myself and my own decision making.
I woke up fresh, surprisingly, way too early according to my daily routines. But of course, what do I expect, I did sleep early last night, it is only normal if I am awake early. The flu is still there, but at least the fever is gone, hopefully for good. So I decided to cook this morning, a chicken curry to eat with fried rice. That’s the thought that first enter this morning, about what I wanted to eat. Probably after it, I will do the laundry. Such a pain, now that I have to watch my expenses, I have to cut laundry as well, ended up me, washing my own clothes, and the worst part is, I have to iron it as well.