..the shattered dream..

After that weekend, I haven’t heard from him for a while. I met his lover, Lee, that night unexpected, he mentioned before that the arrival date was supposed to be the next day. But for some unknown reason Lee decide to fly early. He told me about how exited he is to see his lover, they were together for a month in November, later on, the reserve flight, hotel and trip, separate the both lover. It come to my surprise, knowing two person who just knew each other, they actually through a long distance relationship. While most of relationship are not lasting, either one of them cheat or find someone else new. And this two, they actually wait for each other.
Excuse me for being cynical with this kind of relationship arrangements, my experience doesn’t allow me to have a positive understanding regarding the issue. One time I found my lover making love, in my home, which I pay his trip and accommodation for the visit. It was rather a tragedy for me, the person you love and trust, cheat behind your back. Broken heart are rather common for me, so I am not having a good faith towards other who have a long distance relationship.
The conversation when I meet Lee are rather short, it is because of the loud music from the club that makes us can’t have a proper conversation. He seems like a nice person, and I can see from the love bird eyes, they both happy to meet each other that night. You knew that feeling, when you are happy just by looking at others couple happiness.
“..hi Gerhard, how are you? it’s been sometime I haven’t heard from you? Hopefully you’re alright?..” a text arrive to my inbox. I read and left the message unanswered, while thinking how to reply. Work is been very busy, deadline always scheduled by the end of the week, before the weekend start I have to finalized the design for the magazine, before it is being sent to a printing company.
..
The lunch were rather always short, for me to finishes the work on time, the food next door always satisfy me everytime I go there, only the price is always rising, even when you take the exact same food. Once you live in the island, you will see this very common, a new business rising with a good food or product, the once it start booming the price will be also start to rocketing. How people do business? Once you brand is known, you should be keeping your point of selling stay good, with price that stay reasonable. If you start changing, your customer will look somewhere else to have their meal. Several place I’ve known that apply this way of business, and within a year or two, another business will open. How most of people are wanting to have a quick profit, and the business last long if that is how they do business? I know we always wanting to have more money coming, more profit being made. But a customer also are not very loyal them self, if they have other place in their taste are better, they will leave, especially when your price is kept raising. They won’t stick to your selling.
“..hello you, I am good thank you, how’s your time with your love one? Just been busy with deadline here and so on..” took me two days to reply his text messages. Andi is just leaving last week to Jakarta, it was somehow relieving to me. I was not expecting to be living with him for 3 months, he said on our first met that his friends taking an advantage out of him, beside that he is staying in a place where most of the rent boys live, and I can’t leave him finishing his holiday and being treated not well by his friends, so I offered him to stay with me and which turn out his holiday got extended, which later on, I found out that he resigned from his work, saying that he want to spend more time with me. I can’t be the reason for someone to leave things behind, for me. I don’t want to shoulder such burden, because once if we do have an arguments, the issue will pop up. Besides, I always considered him as a friend, and not more than that. It is always nice to have companion in the house, but if your company is not having the same thought or feeling, that it is making it a little tricky. And I am not the type of someone who is leaving things in a grey area, it might lead to trouble and drama. I have enough drama of my own to take care of, cannot be adding another person baggage of drama.
“..you know, we can have dinner together as well, so you can talk to Lee, to know each other, maybe extending more friends circle..” he reply an hour later. It brought me back to thinking, that is true, but financially, I am not entitle to make expenses, still trying to get back on track with that part of my life, hopefully I can stand on my own two feet, soon.
“..sorry, work is really been busy, can I take a rain check?..” I reply, maybe to him it will sounds like I am not wanting to be friend with his love one. But at the moment, I can’t please anyone but trying to actually get back on my finance status.
They have time for each other for one month, to my assumption, so the really should make their time with each other count. There are lots of places they can visit, make memories together. I don’t want to interrupt their time. I know interrupt is somewhat strong words, but if it were me, I would not letting my love one out of my sight. I want to spend as much time as possible. Because once the time limit is coming, all I can do is missing the person who I am falling to. That is why I made up my mind not to have any relationship that is not living together. Too many temptation, too many obstacles needed to overcome.
I know I have been heartbroken for many time, all of them decide to leave, once they know how boring of a person I am. For someone who is rather to stay home, watching movies on television at night compare to go out clubbing, which most of people are rather easily being choose to. I come to where it is ok to live alone, and being happy, wanting someone for relationship is meaning you have to get ready to have all the dramas, the arguments, and which most of the chances to another broken heart. I am tired of hoping to growing old with one person.
When you’re young, you tend to look for a connection with someone, and finding the connection itself aren’t easy, and once you found one, you fall for that one connection. I don’t think many people that are lucky enough not to have their heart broken one their first or second try, and the more we try, the more preferences is lingering in our mind, once you found a person, your brain trying to reject it, either they’re not cute enough, too much drama, not your cup of tea, or whatever reason it is. Is it really true? Our past holding our future? In the context of, our experience is actually making us more careful or picky to what we want for our future? It bit me.
How can a person not relate to their past when they make a decision for a future
Although, I would not decline if there is a cute guy come a long and wanted to have fun with, I am not that naive. But starting another relationship? I have to rethink about it. Again.
“..Lee will be leaving next weekend, I don’t know when will he be back, so I am not sure is this rain check will still be valid..” he reply. And I completely forgot how the time fly so quick in this island, especially if you’re busy with your activities, you will be realizing that you aged without you knowing it.
“..I’m sorry, we can arrange a meeting when he is returning to Bali next time then..” I text him a few minutes later. And continue finishing my work.
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