..the shattered dream..

..
‘..if you’re not the one then why does my soul feel great today..’ if you’re not the one sang by Daniel Bedingfield as my ringtone, a phone call from a friend whom I’ve known since I move to Bali.
“..met Gerhard, hello..” I pick up.
“..how are you G? its been a while I haven’t heard from you..” the voice on the other side of the call.
“..hi Huda, I am good, thank you, and how are you? just been busy with work, later after work I’ll visit to your place, yes?..” it’s been a while I haven’t visit him. He is a friend, an older Indonesian, who live and work in here. He comes from West Java, recently retire from his ‘family’ business. He work as a tour guide, which mostly most of his guest coming from the Nederland. He speak Nederland fluently. So communicating with him is a lot easier. For someone who is living in a foreign country, meeting another person who speak your language only is worth to keep in touch to. Most of the locals are speaking in Indonesian, my speaking is hopeless I have to admit.
“..I am good too, thank you. So I have to call first before you actually come and visit me eh?..” he said it jokingly.
“..haha, you know me, when I am busy with work, nothing comes in my way, and no, I was actually planning to come there and give you a call tomorrow, it’s just coincidence that you call now..” I explain.
“..i know, I know, you’re the workaholic type of guy, anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow then?..”
“..alright, see you tomorrow..” we hang up the call.
..
“..so you’re free Saturday and Sunday? Very nice!..” Huda said when I am at his place, I haven’t have had a chance to visit him since I work.
“..Yep, Indeed. They also pay my Kitas, and the wages is quite good too..” Sorry I brag a little.
“..Well, now you can move on from what happened last year..”
“..Moving on from that is rather not easy you know, I always wonder, if I hadn’t that reckless in trusting peoples, I would not be in this mess..” I reply
“..i know, what I mean is, your life is actually starting to be back on track again, and who knows, maybe soon you’ll find someone..” his way of speaking is always slipping things in between, I know him well enough, and he is saying it with a tease, but still..
“..i don’t know anymore if I want someone for relationship, at the moment I am just enjoying my routine, it’s been a while I haven’t work for someone, and it’s not so bad..”
“..you’re saying you don’t want a boyfriend anymore?..” he ask to make sure he hear me correctly.
“..i don’t know, falling to someone, and then in a year or two after that person know me, the fact that I am broke, he will leave again, and I can’t deal with that part in my life, at the moment..”
He sigh, “..you know, not everyone is always lucky to find a person who they connect with, and don’t let the past blocking our future, stay young at heart. Bad things happened, but that doesn’t mean that there is no good thing at all in life that is being given to us..” he start to ramble again. But in a way, he is true at what his saying. Life always throw us this kind of crossroad or a swinging bridge, sometime you take the wrong turn, by wanting to swing to the otherside, and before you swing the rope broke and you fall flat on your bottom. That was me.
“..easy for you to say, you kept changing partner every 6 month, is that how you keep your self young? Huh?..” jokingly I say. He put one of his finger in front of his mouth, a sign for me to silent for that part. He have someone new in the bedroom it turn out. I smile and continue to speak softly.
“..a new one already? For how long have he live here?..” I can feel that I almost whisper saying that
“..two weeks..” he also soften his tone
“..ahh ok..” I smile
“..but it’s true G, don’t close the possibility, I don’t know when will it come for you, the one that you desire, but, once he comes your way, if you close the possibility, he might get away..” he continuing his lecture, i am aware for someone who is a lot younger than he is, I should not give up that easily. As if, finding a love one is as easy as we wish to be, then no one will be single by this time.
“..ok, ok, but not anytime soon..” as I say to please his ear.
“..have you eat already? I cook chicken curry today..” he change the conversation subject.
“..not yet, I’ll help my self out..” I walk to his kitchen and get a plate of rice and chicken curry. He always cook a tasty food, and each time I try his cooking, it is very delicious. He always ask me to take the food myself, saying to consider his house as mine. So I went to the kitchen without him asking twice. Beside if I don’t help myself and take some of his cooking, he will start yapping in my ears about how I don’t eat his kind of food, which is not true, I love Indonesian food, specially the spicy ones, sometime when I make a visit I have lunch first before heading to his house, which unlike today, I actually not eating lunch because I know he usually cook. Going home with an earful about how picky I am with food is not a nice thing to left things over.
For someone who is his mid-sixties, I admire his energy, a very active person where he is working most of the time guiding his guests around Bali, which mean he is mobiling a lot, also his energy toward the guys, young guys. He kept himself young at heart, that what kept him active and energetic. I think.
..
Before I went to Huda’s place I did my laundry and tidy my place up a little, so I’m in no rush to go home, I decide to just drive around, taking the long road to get home. Denpasar is not a very big city, so even though I take the long road to get to, it take me less than two hours to get home. After changing my clothes to my comfortable short pants, I turn on Friends series, and laydown. It was the episode where Rachel and Joey about to get together, the two is so meant for each other, how Joey were having crush on Rachel for a while but did not make a move at her, because he is considering Rachel is Ross’s ex-girlfriend, and Ross is one of his good friends, after Chandler. He actually make a move at Rachel after he saw Ross kissing Charlie, a girlfriend Joey brought to the Ross speech out of town. I was so touch, how could a very good friend could actually end up together, and they both, to me, so meant for each other. I want those kind of relationship, becoming a friend to someone and which later we could fall for each other, which making it even harder for me, because a good friend of mine, is already finding his love one, and there is no way I would come in between. I’m not going to ruin anyone relationship over my own silly wish. That’s why, I actually think it is not going to happen to me.
Because when I replay my love stories, I was quite quick with my judgement to love someone, which led me to the same old story, another heart broken. What I am deciding is to be happy with myself, with my routine, my life and my friends. Finding a love one, is just a rather shattered dream from the previous past I have in my life. Hopefully when someone actually comes a long, I still have a slight door open for that one person. But I don’t really count on it.