..the left behind..

..
‘..Rain rain come on down
You’re so welcome at my door
Come on down and ease the pain
I never hurt this bad before..
..
Every Sunday afternoon, Suara Sunari radio play country music for about two hour. On my free day, I usually let the Radio plays while I enjoy the day off by being lazy of doing nothing.
The radio is playing ‘There’s not much love here anymore sing by Vince Gill’. I sit at the terrace looking to the street, the cloud in the sky is about to pour rain to freshen the earth. The tree standing tall further at the end of the street, probably longing for the cloud to speed in releasing the water down. The plumeria across the street are in yellow and white, which seems tired of the heat from the past few days. Peoples are walking in a rush to get home not to get caught up in the rain, apparently for some others, they have to work half a day on Sunday.
My thought wander, trying to understand what I have been through this past few month. Love comes from nowhere and unexpected, yet it have to end before I even realize. Some little part of me regret my decision to move from my hometown. Never have I thought I would experience a broken heart that tear me to pieces. My goal from relocating from East Java to Bali is due to there are no decent work available, wait, let me rephrase, there are decent job at the government office, but, it requires some amounts of cash which I don’t have. Growing up in a family that is living with low income, took me here. I am not regretting about our finance situation, but I am regretting of me, letting myself down, by loving someone that at some stage I knew, it would not last.
The pain from leaving everything behind back in my hometown, have to be distance with my parents who raise me, and everything I am familiar with, to a new environment where I have no one, it is nothing like what I am experiencing now. I thought I knew it all, but I totally proven the contrary. First Love happened.
Peoples said that First Love is never work out to the last. I hate admitting that what they saying is happening to me. They must be laughing if they knew my situation now, pointing their finger and say ‘I told you so’.
I see the rain is coming from the distance at the end of the street, toward me. The tree still standing while its leaf dance when the water touches it. The plumeria across the street slowly moving by the rain rhythm as well. Peoples are clearing up from the street. The water that is pour down wins. I can feel my eyes are teary, trying so hard to eat the pain away by distracting my brain and looking at the street, the sounds of the rain that touch the roof of my place with the background song playing on the radio, makes the perfect sadness in me bursting out. I stand and walk back to the room. Grab a tissue and then wipe my tears away.
..
..Tears keep falling from my eyes
And all I do is walk the floor
It’s not too hard to realize
There’s not much love here anymore..
..
Mr. Gill song continue playing his sad country song. I take my pack of cigarette and lighter from the TV table and walk out to the terrace again with a tissue on my other hand. I take a deep breath trying to release the pain, it work for a few seconds, but it will return and filling my chess in a few minutes later.
Six month ago, I was having no one, I should be alright this time, if the situation back to zero again’ my brain try to convince me that I will be fine. But the heart doesn’t cooperate, the heartache still marking its territory. Then the memories start playing about our good time together.
How we being lazy laying on the beach under the umbrella, he is busy enjoying the warm of the sun, and I am reading my book, I sometime look at him on my reading pause, and smile at him, he smile back at me.
How we enjoying the sunset, sitting at a table for two. The couch where we sat allow us to hold hand without other guests actually seeing it. He hold my hand firmly. And then we continue with our evening walk along the beach, at a quiet areas he hold my hand.
Or how hard he is trying to spell the ‘R’ word out of ‘WARUNG’ but doesn’t succeeded.
The flashing memories, without me realizing, the tear run on my cheek. I light the cigarette that is in my finger. I inhale deep, and releasing it slowly. Hoping it would help to release the pressure and ache on my chess.
We doesn’t want to be separated but our circumstances force us to take it as it is. This morning I cry on his arm, he hold me tight. He explain about how he have life and family in his hometown, which I understand, I am not asking to let them go, I want him to embrace it. And the next he mentioned about how he doesn’t know what to do, whether he want to relocate to another city in his country or returning to the island. Which also understandable. He have so much to figure out. And making these kind of decisions would take him sometime.
When he say he doesn’t know when he would return, since he have many things to arrange and figure out to. I am not asking him to return right away, No, but only if he is willing to return or wish to return.
He is letting me go.
We have our own baggage on our shoulder I understand it very well, and his, seems like more than he can carry on. And by not making any promises, he doesn’t want to be tight down by his own promises. I understand that too. But I want him to want to be me. As much as I want to be with him. The more I try not to think about what is happening, the more the memories playing in my head.
Just the same as the rain, it went down even harder now, leafs from the trees are dancing everytime the water touch, it still standing strong and tall looking at the sky. The yellow and white plumeria flowers looks very happy with their movements that the rain cause. In those beauty nature, while the falling move each leafs and flowers, and got them to dance in its rhythm. One day I would look at this day, and being grateful that it give me a lesson, I might not know what it is today, but I am sure one day I will find out.
I let my mind play its memories, I let my tears fall.
..
..Rain rain come blowin’ in
Come wash these tears away again
Leavin’ has cut me to the core
There’s not much love here anymore
..
the-left-behind

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