..the acceptance within..

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My brother pick me up at the airport, when the plane was about to land, everything felt familiar, everything felt like home, but why does a little piece of me still felt left behind? On the plane, I am starting to doubt myself, whether I make the right decisions or doesn’t? A lot of ‘what if’, running through my head. Two months, that’s all it take, to make me felt this awful, to make me miss a lot younger guy that could have been my own son, while I have my plan somewhere else, and now my mind thinking another course of uncertain future.
When I see my brother, and the people surround at the airport, I start realizing how big my families are compare to the peoples who live in Bali, matter of fact who live in the country where I visit, which most of them are in south east Asia. I have one luggage when I am departing, and return with two luggage instead, the other one are mostly gifts for families. The fact that most of the goods I purchased I fairly cheap. I don’t really like shopping, but after leaving for 6 months, they would ask what I brought from my trip.
“..you rather quiet since your arrival, are you ok?..” my brother break the silence when he is starting the car at the parking lot.
“..yes, I am, I think the long flight worn me out..” I just made up an excuses.
“..aren’t you just sleeping in the plane? Why don’t you sleep on the plane anyway on those long hours?..” that is him, he will kept asking these kind of questions until he felt satisfied.
“..the seat were rather uncomfortable to sleep, can I take a nap a little? I’m exhausted..” I some kind of have to stop the conversation that way, if not he will kept questioning.
“..you should put yourself on diet, so the seat is probably not big enough for you..” I close my eyes, not responding to what he just advised me to do. Oh I miss my baby. He would never say such things. He would embrace me. Doesn’t look at my body or weight. I wish I was with him. Now.
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The moment I arrive at home, my niece and nephew are home, the tidy up my place before my arrival. I love them. My brother raised such a fine kids. They even help me with the luggage. After asking the key to open the gift luggage, they just look through what have I brought for them. They put this frowny face, when I told them just to take two piece for each of them. “..you guys got two, others will have only a piece..” I shout from the bathroom when they start mumbling.
When I was at the car, the moment where it enter the areas, it have written a big sign shown, the name of my hometown, after getting of the road, I look at the side of the road, where the sea and sky met each other. Everything is familiar, and seems like it welcoming me home.
This concept of ‘home’, I start to questioning, what is home? A place where I grew up and own? Then why does it felt changing. Am I the one who change? That got me rethink about this simple definition?
The next day when I was doing groceries, I met a friend at the store, he is the one who told me several tips about where to go in several countries I visit.
“..hows the trip? Enjoying it?..”
“..it was good, I enjoy very much, although I spent two months in Bali..” I say
“..if you go to the legian street in there, there are many girls you can find, you must be getting lucky there? Because I did..” he continue
“..i met one person I spent my time with..” which is true, I answer carefully, he doesn’t know I went the other way.
“..oh Man! Why just one? When you can change anytime you’d like to?..”
“..it was the sweetest person I have met, and beside you know how I am..”
“..you always been sentimental..” he said it lightly. These are the common nowadays, one who is having less person they spend the night with, becoming sentimental. Having less person we have been with is called as the sentimental one. While we grew up being taught to love a person when you have a connection with, to be faithful. And all those change when we grew along the way. Then they call them self to be a grown up.
My friend kept rambling about his last vacation and how great it was when he met girls. I can’t say much because we have a different kind of adventures in our vacation. And the fact that I am in love, I leave the part out as well.
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Families and several close friends visited, it is only six months of vacation but they curious with the trip I’ve done. The less of me mentioning the significant other I’ve met during my trips, the better, and the less question as well.
I can’t believe two weeks passed by so quickly. Time is running without letting us realizing it. Weekend is coming, I decide to walk to the beach, peoples are busy with their activities, some are playing sitting and having a fun conversations while the kids are running to catch the water, and running away when the water is running after them. The couple that sat together and having an intimate conversations, also other couple that walk along the beach. Peoples who come on their own, they walk along the beach as well. Just like me. Looking at them, somehow got me jealous, they enjoying their time with the close ones. Are they feeling the same way as how I feel when I was with my love one? The love that run through our head makes things even more enjoyable and better?
An hour walk on the beach is enough for me, looking at the peoples who are also enjoying the beach, before my trip, I enjoy by watching them enjoying their time at the beach, and the an half year later, I still enjoy watching them doing their beach activities, but deep down this jealousy of wanting to be a part of people who enjoy the beach, just as much as I enjoy going to the beach while I was in my trip. Those months change me.
The call got connected with the other side, I dial a number on my phone, using my landline.
“..hello..” the person pick up the call.
“..hi Baby, its me!..” took me two weeks to actually call him. I send him an email that he haven’t replied yet, knowing him, someone who have to go to an internet café to open his email and messages, I understand if he doesn’t reply yet.
“..hi Daddy, you’re home already I assume? Hopefully everything is ok?..” that’s just how he is, always so full with questions.
“..yeah, I arrived two weeks ago, sorry I don’t call you right away. Been busy with the usual stuffs..” I lied, I’m not busy, I was just needed time to be ready to actually talk to him. “..i’ve sent you an email, haven’t you check your email yet?..” I continue.
“..thats what I thought, you must have had lots to arrange after your arrival, no need to sorry for that. I haven’t check my email yet, haven’t been online a while Daddy..” his voice soften, from an excitement to more softer voice.
“..ahh, ok, I miss you, also the warm there, in here is still a little chill, and it is supposed to be summer soon..”
“..i miss you too, chill is good, you can walk for long and not really sweating..” again, that how he is, always pointing things out, which most of it true.
“..you still sweat, but not as much as in your country, that’s why most of us are gaining weight, hehe..” I try to make a joke.
“..well, if that’s whats the weather does, it is good, you look good, and you know I think that way..” I know he did.
“..this is your phone number in there? I saved it ya?..” he notice the number
“..it is my landline, yes you can save it, but it doesn’t receive text ya, only calls, or voice mail..” I explain.
“..will do, what time is there now?..” he fire another question.
“..it is at almost 11AM, why?..”
“..nothing, just asking, so I know the time difference..” he explain.
“..we were 12 hours different Baby, it is night there now, you not going out to the club?..”
“..not really in the mood to go anywhere, just watching movies on TV..” he answer. “..so you’re about to have lunch then?..”
“..yes, I will prepare something later in the kitchen..”
Somehow, the call makes me feel slightly better. A guy who live more than 16 thousands km away, missing me, the same way how I miss him. Even though our distance are great, connection is a connection. I would want to keep in touch with him. I would love to have him in my live. But that would be difficult. When I was reminded of my age and his, I am again in puzzle.
But, having the good memories when we were together, saving his pictures on my computer, and remembering how crazy he is about me. I am happy and content. That’s what I can do, to love him.
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