..the separated soul..

We decide to walk to the beach, took us about 20 minutes to walk. Peoples are rather busy with their activities, some souvenir sellers are walking around with a bad and their sell at their hand, greeting nicely to customers, which mostly they are friendly to foreigners. The restaurants are rather quiet. Some surfers that are busy counting the waves. And some people laying down to the rent bench under the umbrella waiting for the perfect sunset.
We sat on one of the restaurant and order beer for our drink. He is starting to get used to my drinking, and he is starting to drink. We watch the peoples at the beach. There is a family, a parent with the two kids, the smaller were running around at the beach carrying her doll, and the bigger one were busy running, when the wave is coming closer to him he then running away from it, but when the water is pulling back he is then chasing the water. A funny thing to see.
His eyes were looking at the end of the sea, having its border line with the sky, the sun is still high. We were specifically going to the beach for the sunset. We both quiet, not saying much. Both were busy with our own mind.
I honestly don’t know how to carry this newly build relationship that I enjoyed so much. But when the reality hit, about me will have to leave tomorrow, about me having my whole life and families back home, about not knowing what to do for my own happiness. I always wanted to move south where there is beach, but not this far. I am not going to catch up with the custom in here.
..you ok Baby?..
..i think so, yes..” he reply my question shortly, and continue looking at the far end of the water in front of us.
..so, maybe we can have dinner later at the same place as the other night? At the Italian restaurant? I find the food is good, and they have a great setting to have dinner. What you think?..” I start the conversation, we have been quiet with each other for too long.
..you know, we can have our dinner in here, and I would like to treat you this time, that’s the least I can do. At La Luciolla, I don’t think my wallet will cooperate with me..” he refuse softly, and his gesture of treating me, in our last night together, is sweet. But that is what I would like to do for him. Having a candle light dinner by the beach. In more to a romantic setting.
..you don’t have to worry about my problem I have told you this afternoon, and not to worry about me, as I said before..” I try to change his mind, hopefully it would do.
..it is not about that, can I at least do this my way tonight? I want to do something for you too. You have paid most of our dinner all this time. At least, tonight, let me have it my way? Please..” he again insisted.
..but it is too early to have dinner now..
“..not now, but we can wait in here, while we drink and enjoying the sunset..” his mind is set.
I am speechless, I appreciate his nice gesture of trying to afford the dinner, it is very sweet of him. But I also know he doesn’t earn much, he could use his the money he is about to spend for himself. I am puzzle on how can I get through him this time. I was upset this afternoon and rather not speaking much, but it is not a total set back the missing cash.
The sun is almost set within an hour or so, I excuse myself to use the rest room. But I actually going to the cashier to pay the bills. So we can go to our room to get ready. Without him knowing. I think that was the best way. So we can have a proper dinner. Then tonight I will tell him about my uncertain plan of our future.
..OK lets go..
..where? I haven’t pay the bill yet, I thought we will have our dinner in here?..” he question.
..i take care of it. So we can go back to the hotel..” Explaining to him. He look bothered. I can tell from his reaction.
..sorry, I thought we were agreeing to have our dinner in here..” he finishing his drink, and standing from the chair. “..i don’t like this, why did you do it?..
..no reason, I just thought we should have a proper dinner tonight..” I rather not in the mood to keep explaining the same things twice.
..i don’t think I can’t afford to eat there, so I will not join you, you can have dinner on your own there..” I’m shock with his answer. It is such a slap in the face. I want to give a memorable evening for him, and yet he decline?
We walk on the walk path while waiting for Taxi to come pass us. Going back to the hotel would be longer, since we have to walk around, so taking a Taxi is our best option. He walk on the other side of the road, he fold his face of disappointment. Once I saw I Taxi, I wave as sign to stop him, it stop. I open the door.
..Baby, come one, it is too far to walk to the hotel now..” I raise my voice so he could hear my voice on the other side of the road.
..I am not joining you tonight..” and he kept walking.
..screw this..” I get to the Taxi. I leave him walking of his own. I am not catching up with drama. And what we have in the street, is all drama. What is wrong with me, willing to give him a good proper dinner, on our last night? And he got angry because of that?
I get to the hotel, all the mix feeling is hitting me, the fact that I left him on the street on his own. It is quite distance for him to go home, and also quite far for him to walk on his own to the hotel. And I don’t even know, why I get angry at him. The culture difference actually hit? Or is it just me who have too much pride to let him pay my dinner for our last night?
That night, after a failed dinner with him, I went to have dinner next door. And I head back to the hotel. Still feeling disappointed, anger, at myself, at him, and at our situation. I am thinking to call him, but my pride in my way. I am not going to apologize. I hit the bed earlier than usual as far as I am in the island. Thinking on how much I want to spend my time with him at this very moment. How much do I love him. About how stupid our arguments are. Over a dinner. I hate this.
I couldn’t sleep well, I kept waking up, my hand immediately looking for his presence, but then the reality hit, of what happened this evening.
Maybe it is for the best, I don’t have to say good bye to him. I don’t have to explain to him that we not having a future. But I hope, that he will remember me as his first that actually love him, not just toying with him. That he is mean so much to me.
knock-knock’ someone from the other side is knocking, I look at my watch, still 7:18AM. Who is knocking at this time? Check out time is still at 12. Still far from the limit. I put on my short and t-shirt, and walk to the door.
There he is, standing in front of the door. He is quite and looking at my feet. His eyes were teary. I take his hand and hold him tight. ‘..what have I done to him..
..Baby, I am so sorry about yesterday..” I kiss him on the forehead. He put his arm around me and rest his head on my chess. I walk him in, and let him sit in the edge of the bed.
..are breaking up, yesterday?..” he soft voice sounds very hard to come out. “..i don’t want to leave things unspoken. If so. Then I want you to say it..” he continue. It strike me. I have been tossing around on how to tell him about our situation, about my situation. And yet I am speechless.
..yesterday, we both should not act that way. I don’t want to break our relationship, I love you so much..” I pause “..but to be honest, I don’t know when will I return here, I have a lot to sort out back home..” I continue “..and it would not be fair to ask you wait for me, and not knowing when will I return..” I feel my eyes is getting warmer.
He is sitting on edge of the bed. He can’t hold his tear to fall.
..i am not asking you to return next month or next year..” his voice is breaking with trying not to cry. Just his tear kept falling.
..i can’t do that, it would not be fair to you, or me. You still have so much to go on. You still young, you will understand what I am talking about in time..” I also start having difficulty to speak properly, looking at him crying, it hurt me too. “..i want you to know, that you have make me a better person, and I want you to remember me as the first guy, who actually love you. I do..” There, I say what I kept tossing around, and play in my head. It is bitter. I know, once there is a beginning, there would be an end. And I can’t believe that this is our end. The pain goes through the chess, and it goes deeper. We hold each other, we cry, and doesn’t want to let go.

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